Do Not Be Afraid, I Have Redeemed You

Do Not Be Afraid, I Have Redeemed You

It’s early 2023. When I opened up my Google Doc to write a Blog post, I was shocked to see that the last one I had posted was in December 2021. It either seems like just yesterday that I posted it, or I thought for sure that I posted something more recently. Probably a combination of both.

I’m approaching the 2 year mark since finishing chemo and having surgery for breast cancer. It’s been just over a year since the “probable” melanoma was removed from my toes. It doesn’t seem like it was that long ago. Both feel like they just happened. 

My left toe finally looks pretty normal, but it’s doubtful that my right toenail will ever look normal. I had to get creative just to be able to trim it. I accomplished this task with one of Brad’s Dremel grinders. If you ever want to experience a peculiar sensation, take a Dremel or some sort of grinder to your big toe nail. Now I know why my dog isn’t crazy about the process when I do her nails, lol. 

Last summer I finally made the decision to have my port removed. I could have had it removed in the fall of 2021, but I decided to wait. Call it fear or doubt of an unknown future and potentially needing it after having it removed. Either way I finally made the decision to have it removed. My surgical oncologist had a med student with her when I went in for the port removal. They did it all in a regular exam room with local anesthesia. The med student pretty much performed the whole thing with the doctor explaining and guiding the whole time. I found it fun and interesting. I piped in with my own questions and comments and the whole process was incredibly smooth. It took several months to get used to the fact that I no longer had a port or catheter going into my jugular. I’d rub my hand along my collar bone and just stop for a second, then remember that I didn’t have it anymore. I still catch myself expecting it to be there every so often. It seems like life after a cancer diagnosis and treatment is sometimes all about adapting to various changes, emotions, and worries. 

After all the treatments and everything ended, I decided it was time to drastically change my diet. There’s a lot of science behind diet and cancer, but it’s not what you may think. It’s not just about “cutting out sugar.” It’s about the types of macros (proteins, carbs, fats) that a particular cancer primarily feeds on. I haven’t dug deep into the science of triple negative and melanoma, but decided that with both of them showing up, I was going to limit all three macros. Last year, my partner teacher and I started our diet/lifestyle change together, which made it so much easier. I have drastically cut sugar (both artificial and natural), carbs, fats, proteins and animal products. In a sense I’m on a Keto Vegan diet. Do I still enjoy my occasional mocha latte with almond milk? Absolutely. Do I still enjoy all my favorite food during the holidays? You betcha. Do I still order or fix the occasional pizza? For sure. I’ve also found some great new recipes. The change also eliminated my low back pain that had started to return. It’s not surprising considering I cut out almost everything that causes inflammation. 

My chemo fog has drastically improved. I started drinking a daily mix that improves cognitive function for a month. After 2 weeks of drinking it daily, I suddenly noticed a huge difference. My mind still isn’t quite as good as it was before, but it’s a lot closer. Even Brad noticed a difference within weeks. I don’t drink it everyday anymore, but I still keep it handy for those days when I can’t think of things, or communicate something that is in my head. 

Last year I took a chance with a new job at my school. I knew the job would be posted, I saw it posted, and I was NOT going to apply for it. I still enjoyed the classroom and the kids. It wasn’t until a few days before the deadline that God started to make it clear to me through several circumstances that I should apply for the job. I haven’t regretted it since. I coordinate testing for the entire district and administer some of it also. The other part of my job is helping out with technology. I still get to help the teachers, and work with kids once in a while. 

It occurred to me recently that I probably wouldn’t be alive today if I hadn’t found the tumor and started treatment almost 3 years ago. With the speed at which TNBC spreads, if I had ignored everything and done nothing, it probably would have spread like wildfire. It’s a sobering thought to say the least. Combine that with having an unrelated second cancer on both toes, and I don’t have the words to describe what it does to you emotionally and mentally. Most days I’m just fine. Then there are moments and stretches of time when it feels like a crushing weight. There is also the panic and anxiety that comes with every new bump, skin spot, ache or pain. Did one of the cancers spread? Do I still have abnormal cancerous stem cells floating around in my body? Is one of them going to latch onto my lung, or start growing in my bones? Will I have a new spot show up on my skin that has spread beyond the epidermis? It’s a dark, deep hole that I can find myself going down sometimes. 

But I just keep taking one day at a time, remind myself that my story isn’t over yet, and keep on going. Sometimes I recite this verse to myself several times a day. 

But now, God ’s Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the One who got you started, Israel: 

Do not be afraid, I have redeemed you. 

I have called you by name. You are mine. 

When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. 

When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. 

When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end— 

Because I am God, your personal God, 

The Holy of Israel, your Savior. 

I paid a huge price for you: 

all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! 

That’s how much you mean to me! 

That’s how much I love you! 

I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, 

trade the creation just for you.

Isaiah 43:1‭-‬4 MSG