The only person who can truly understand what a cancer patient goes through is another cancer patient. Even at that, it can vary so much. There are the types of cancer, staging, types of treatments, clinical trials, the nitty-gritty details of the cancer cells, and other things that make each cancer case unique. But despite all of that, people who have had cancer connect on a different level.
The same goes for those that care for cancer patients. Especially the caregivers that have to witness loved ones deal with harsh or failed treatments. It’s not easy to watch, just as it’s not easy to actually go through it.
It seems that when you discover you have cancer, suddenly you know so many other people that have dealt with it. With that knowledge also comes the counting and the statistics. It would be great if everyone that dealt with cancer lived a long happy life. But that doesn’t happen. Statistically, some of the people you know that have cancer, are going to lose their life to cancer. It’s hard to hear about someone’s cancer returning, it’s harder to know they are dying. It’s hard to wonder why it’s them and it’s not you. It’s hard to not wonder if you’ll be next. Whether it’s a friend, acquaintance, friend of a friend, Facebook connection, whoever, it’s a punch to the gut every time someone says, “It’s stage 4,” “It’s spread to my brain/lung/bones/whatever,” “They found a new tumor.” Quite frankly, it scares the *$@% out of me every time it happens, whether I know them personally or not. My mind goes crazy with scenarios. Am I going to develop cancer again? If so, what stage will it be when we find it? Will it be in 6 months, 6 years, longer? Will I be able to beat it? Will it be a recurrence or something new? Maybe I’ll be “lucky” and never have to deal with cancer again. Don’t get me wrong, that would be great. But part of me wonders why I “deserve” to survive and a mom with young kids doesn’t. I tell myself that maybe God’s not done with me yet, but that isn’t usually a comforting answer. Survivor’s guilt sounds crazy. Why would someone feel guilty for being alive? The same way I wonder “Why me” when I got my diagnoses of TNBC and melanoma, I also wonder “Why me” as I continue to survive.
Life will never be normal for me again, but I’m adapting to my new normal. Part of my new normal is dealing with scanxiety, PTSD and survivor’s guilt. I’m also heavily weighing some major health and wellness changes. I’m currently reading a book by Jane McLelland called “How to Starve Cancer.” It’s pretty brilliantly written. She approached her cancer(s) with a mix of conventional medicine, diet, supplements, and off-label medicine. It’s fascinating to read about how she dealt with things and researched so much information. She used herself as a guinea pig, and had to find a doctor that would actually collaborate with her, rather than just pass judgment and think she was crazy. I’m only a little ways into the book, so we'll see what I decide.
