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| I’m really more of a Stargate and Star Trek girl, but Star Wars is okay too, and the reference was convenient. |
You would think that the dark side of cancer is the obvious chemo, radiation, surgery, or the many, many side effects from all the meds they give. Those things are all easy for me. I can tolerate all that. They may be annoying, painful, or miserable at times, but it’s bearable.
The dark side is when they delay or decrease a treatment, and you panic that because of the delay or decrease, the cancer may come back.
The dark side is knowing that soon you won’t be on any treatment, and the cancer may come back.
The dark side is worrying the cancer is back, even though you're on treatment.
The dark side is planning a vacation in a year, not knowing if you’ll have the energy or be back on treatment because the cancer came back.
The dark side is when you feel the shooting pains of nerves regrowing, and you fear it’s cancer.
The dark side is wondering if you’ll outlive your grandparents, or even your parents. I mean, in an ideal world, I’m supposed to outlive my grandparents and parents, but will I?
The dark side is not knowing if or when the cancer will return. The other day I caught myself saying, “When it comes back…” It’s not a premonition, it’s just that sometimes your mind goes to the worst case scenario.
The dark side is finding yourself thinking about funeral plans, and wondering if you should write or video your own eulogy.
The dark side is finding a lump in one breast and something weird in the other breast. FYI: Both have been ruled as scar tissue.
The dark side is panicking when the plan is to see the nurse practitioner, but the doctor wants to see you instead.
The dark side is essentially dealing with mild PTSD that pops up unexpectedly. Example: Seeing crushed ice made me nauseous the other day, all because I had to eat crushed ice while being given Red Devil.
The dark side is not feeling like you can’t celebrate being cancer free, because what if you're not?
What do I do when the dark side pops up? Sometimes I just let myself panic or dwell on the thoughts, but I keep it brief. It’s not healthy to completely avoid dealing with worst case scenarios. So I run with the thoughts for a while sometimes. But then I remind myself that no matter when I die, God’s got me. I know where I’m going. I just don’t know when. Do I want more time on this earth? Absolutely. There are places I want to visit, more students I want to teach, more family and friends I want to spend time with. If that isn’t what happens, then I will make the most of the time I have here. The most important thing I remind myself of is that I have a choice in how I respond to any given situation. I can be bitter and angry, but how on earth is that helpful to anyone, including myself? I might as well be optimistic and deal with things as they come. When Jesus was asked in Matthew 22:36-40 what commandment was the most important, he replied with two. Love God with all your heart, mind and soul. Love others as you love yourself. Everything in life boils down to love. Love God, love others. That’s what I plan to do for whatever time I have left on this side of Heaven. And we all know that this world needs a whole lotta love right now.
