The Plan

 As I said before, I'm a planner. I went into the appointment with my surgeon terrified. My blood pressure proved it. It was 146/80. Not surprising considering I knew very little about what was going on in my body, which felt just fine, stress aside. 

Monday, Sept 1st I met with he surgeon. I loved the surgeon. Brad and I both did. She really did have a calming effect. We learned that what I have is referred to as triple negative breast cancer. That means it is not fed by any of the three hormones that typically feed breast cancer. It estrogen, progesterone, and HER2 negative. Only 15-20% of breast cancer cases are triple negative, but it more likely to show up in younger women. It was Stage 2, which we found out was more because of it being triple negative than anything else. Triple negative breast cancer is more aggressive, so of course the treatment is going to be more aggressive. She wanted to wait until after chemo to take the tumor out. Well, now I knew I would be getting chemo. The reason she wanted to wait was to see if the chemo would start shrinking the tumor. If the tumor started to shrink, we knew it was working. 50% of the time when she goes in after chemo, the tumor has completely melted away, and she only takes out the cancer bed. Since they had put a marked in when I had the biopsy, they would know exactly where to look during surgery. She wanted to check my lymph nodes because of something on the one mammogram. She wheeled in the ultrasound machine and thoroughly checked out the lymph nodes. She said they looked just fine, and she had a feeling that what she saw on the mammogram had been a skin fold, which is prone to happen. She suspected that the chemo regimen I would get would last 20 weeks, but she didn't know that for sure. If it was what she suspected, I would lose my hair, it would come back a different color, and would probably be thinner or thinker, maybe straight, maybe curly. She explains that they will be putting in a port, so that I don't have to be poked and prodded every time I come in. 

We go over history of cancer in my family. three of my 4 grandparents have had cancer, one died from it in his 30's. All different types of cancer. She wants genetic testing ordered, so that if something comes up as genetic, we'll then discuss mastectomy or bilateral mastectomy. I had already come to the conclusion, prior to this appointment, that if "my girls" needed to go, I was totally alright with that. 

So now I go home thinking, "20 stinking weeks of chemo? Am I going to be able to keep teaching? How can I teach when I'll be so sick? How can I just stay home and not be at school?" Talk about decisions. I come to the conclusion that there would be no way I can work through all this. How can I be at school some days, go home early some days, and constantly throw the kids into unrest like that? 

The next day I meet with the oncologist. She was great too. Asked all sorts of questions to get to know me. She explained that I wouldn't be as sick as I thought, which got me excited. But she also said she wanted my to eat a healthy diet, but as long as I was eating, that's what mattered (read between the lines on that one). She confirmed the chemotherapy plan the the surgeon had predicted. 20 weeks of chemo, then surgery, then 4 weeks of radiation. Then she said she didn't want me in the classroom. Seeing 31 kids in a day is a lot of exposure to all kinds of things, masks or not. Of course, COVID is top of her concern list. She tells me the decision is ultimately up to me. You want to talk about a tough call. I sit there wrestling what to do. Then she just sits there and says, "We're trying to save your life." In the words of one of my teaching friends, "She had to play that card." And how am I supposed to respond to that?! So, I relented, and said I would agree to be off during treatment. 

Now come the first of three mild panic attacks (slight exaggeration, but only slight.) First, I find out that they are scheduling an echo cardiogram (not to be confused with an EKG, I've been asked that a lot. An echo is an ultrasound of your heart.) for the next week on Wednesday. The port is to be put in the day after, and chemo the next day. I had less than I week to get my classroom ready for a long term sub. My school had less than a week to find a long term sub. Are you kidding me? But I'm not about to ask them to wait to start my chemo. There's a reason they want to move fast. I understand this. Second, they assume I want to start my leave the next day. WHAT!!! I swear the nurse saw me start to panic, because she immediately said, we can start it on a different day. I need time in my classroom to get stuff around! It's not like I'm just leaving for a couple days. We're talking 20 weeks! Third, is when they handed me the work slip and I saw the return date. Up to that point, it had probably been about 4 or 5 days since I had cried. I just about lost it looking at the date. March 1, 2021. All I could do was stare through tear filled eyes. I can't be out that long. I hadn't figured in time for radiation after the chemo. The nurse saw my reaction again and said, "This is just a guideline for the school." I couldn't speak. I was in shock and I was heartbroken. I'm also determined to get back before that date. 

So I start prepping my classroom for subs. I'm running copies, organizing things, changing passwords and long-in for different websites, downloading and uploading all sorts of things a long term sub would need, hoping and praying that they find somebody that will give my kids the structure and stability that I won't be able to give them. I email the all the staff to let them know, and their response has been great and extremely supportive. I talk to the guidance counselor about telling the kids, because I know she will be way better at that then me. So we tell the kids on Friday morning. It was really important to me that we tell them when I would still have a couple days with them. I couldn't tell them and leave, that's just cruel. The kids were great, I didn't fall apart, and they knew that I would be there with them that day and the first day the next week. My last day with them was great. They begged me to read to them, so of course I did. The staff found ways to wear pink with our Farm Day theme in support of breast cancer. 💖 Of course, I'm not the most observant person, and totally did not notice that they did that until the end of the day. They even have a Meal Train set up for me. Really, I think the staff is being a better friend to me, than I am to them. I tend to be an introvert and keep to myself. I live in my own little bubble. I'm going to start making it a point to be better about checking in with people, because I have an army of people behind me, and I feel like I don't deserve it, and that there are others who need more help. But, I'm also wise enough to know that if I hadn't impacted all these people in some way, they wouldn't help. So to those who are praying, sending words of encouragement, donating sick time, bringing food, or anything else, I'm giving you a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart. 💙